It was all for the better.

Hey,

I hope you are well. I am, coping at best, but better since the last time I saw you. I'm happy to share that I've found my smile again, even though it still feels a bit tainted.

It’s been years now, but I still remember it like yesterday, the tragedy of us. The ruins that I still pick up every morning to hide, to forget. I think of how something disastrous can feel beautiful when we are in pain. How it can feel like a lifeline even though it isn’t.

I think about us.

I still sit by the phone, hoping you would call. As though a simple ‘Hey’ would amend everything that happened. As though your voice would pick the shards of glass and remake the vase. And I think about calling too, but I hold back not to be selfish, not to detain you from finding true happiness.

There is still a part of me that refuses to let go of us- that refuses to forget you. I simply can’t bury the past, it was horrid, but how shameful would it be to admit that there were parts I enjoyed. The highs that made the tips of my toes tingle and curl, even as I tried to forget the lows that made me crawl.

I don't blame you, you know. For any of it. But when I'm reminded of how painful it was, I cry until I go numb. And when I recall how happy I was, I lose my breath. There were good days when we laughed until we cried, and bad days when we couldn't face our scars, when we couldn't admit to ourselves just how broken we were. We couldn't acknowledge the truth—that we were unfit, not meant to be—but how badly we wanted it.

In little ways, we broke each other. The words, the lies, the stares, the truths—we couldn't carry them anymore, and the world paved the way for us to walk away. At the time, it felt torturous, the unrelenting pain of leaving something you want so badly. It stayed that way for years until I could recall the good memories too. Until I could forget the sound of your voice and the ghostly color of your eyes. As I confronted reality, with each visit to my therapist, it felt like the distance between us grew wider.

It was all for the better, she told me, even if it didn’t feel like it. Someday it would make sense, and here I am still waiting for that day.

But how are you though? Really? Do you think about me too?

I know you're not waiting by the phone like I am; you found someone else. The thought still leaves a sour taste on my tongue, but our friends told me you're doing well, and that you have never been happier.

Did you forget? And was it easy?

I make my bed every morning now, and I stopped drinking coffee. One year sober, and I just graduated the other day. It all feels poignant; this new life is so simple that sometimes the simplicity confounds me. I'm unaccustomed to its healthiness, and I think that someday I might run away from it, back to what feels like home. It’s all so strange, you know, to be happy.

Sometimes I think that some of us were not meant to feel it… I think that when life rewards you with joy after unbearable moments of agony, it feels foreign. It’s harder to stretch out your hands and accept, harder to let it sit on the palm of your hands. And the shadows of the past don’t make it any easier- they still haunt me to this day.

But I’m not writing to you to dwell on the past. I simply wanted you to know that I’m trying. Day by day, I’m making peace with it. You weren’t a monster, and neither was I. Perhaps it all unfolded just as it should have. I’m genuinely happy that you found love, and that you dared to dip your toes into the waters once again. You’ve always been brave.

I am uncertain of any prospects I have and I think that it is important for me to take time alone, as much as I can because every time the word love brushes my mind, I am still reminded of you. I don’t think I have to forget everything, but maybe I can go searching without your face on my canvas.

I write only to remind you that it was all for the better. We weren’t meant for each other, and that’s okay with me. I forgive you, and I hope that someday you find the courage to forgive me too. I wish you nothing but love and happiness.

This is the final goodbye.

Sincerely yours,

~Friend ~