Sometimes the apologies we seek are solemnly for our hearts at the mercies of grief. They trouble us so much that it feels like the world would end without them. We torment ourselves contemptuously with the thought, of hearing, “I am sorry,” from people who have no grasp of the word, or hearing, “I didn’t mean it,” from those who fail to see you as you are, who fail to see the pain they have wreaked because of their own flaws.
And at the time we are dealing with the hurt, it is all you can think about, for someone to acknowledge what they have caused and why. Our hearts convince us that it is the closure we seek, to fathom why one would harm us, deliberately or not. To pore and ponder their intentions even when we know that it would only add to the agony.
In truth, when people hurt us, it is ever so often about them than ourselves. It is because of the things they have not dared to understand themselves, or at least are trying, or tried to, and failed. It's as if they're grappling with aspects of themselves they haven't quite come to terms with or perhaps attempted to confront but couldn’t.
Most of the time, their behavior merely mirrors their own self-perception. However, it's not always the case; some consciously choose to hurt others, either out of selfishness or ignorance of the profound impact their actions can have. Perhaps they're unaware or indifferent to the consequences they sow.
Yet, it appears that regardless of intent, we're all flawed in some manner. Both those who hurt deliberately and those who do so inadvertently. We've all walked in both the shoes of the perpetrator and the victim at some point in our lives, experiencing the dual roles of inflicting pain and enduring it.
The void that barrels the pain results from the elusive closure that we fail to get, the yearning we feel entitled to but don't always receive. This need is more about our own expectations than the actions of those who caused us harm. We're left pondering how they could inflict such pain and walk away, instead of realizing that they too are flawed beings, just like us. True healing begins with accepting this truth and nurturing our own minds.
We obsess over other people’s faults and we fail to see our own. In our fixation on the faults of others, we often overlook our imperfections. In this state of resentment, our anguish festers, leading us to a point of desperation where their cruelty shapes our own character. To harbor such agony for someone who remains indifferent only fosters self-hatred and unwarranted questioning of ourselves.
Not to justify the act, but perhaps to persuade one to let go of the loathing that stems from being hurt. Not to seek vengeance and not sit by waiting for closure that would probably never come. To understand our humanness, and that we are all dealing with things that we can barely understand. We see most of the time that villains have backstories, but of course, we have the ones we can barely understand, and there is the logic, we cannot understand.
As time goes by, we realize that we didn’t need the apologies as much as we thought. We can move on without it and beautifully so. We can walk away from the things that hurt us and not look back, we can see that sometimes things are just better left unsaid. Sometimes you don’t have to know and that’s okay, sometimes you don’t need an explanation.
When the apologies come after significant moments of needing it and moving past it. You realize that its weight is not as momentous as we had convinced ourselves at the time. And now what to do with it? Only then can we see that moving on starts with letting go… It is a daunting task but ardently needed.
We cannot blame ourselves and burden our shoulders with the guilt of others, rather we can accept their humanness, their flaws, and their failings.
The philosophy of forgiveness is to detach from the resentment.
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